10 things that change the minute you become a mum

1. You learn to do everything at speed

I can now apply my makeup in exactly three minutes, the shower has barely warmed up by the time I get out and I don't think I've properly chewed any of my food since Pip was born, let alone actually tasted it.

2. Self maintenance is no longer a priority*

My monthly eyebrow appointment is now a distant memory, I have roots down to my shoulders (that's still 'in', right?) and the nail polish on my toes has all but worn away. And that's just the areas that are visible...

*Unless you've joined Aquatots, in which case it's all hands to the deck

3. Your brain is only ever, at best, 70% on the task in hand

The other 30% is wondering whether the baby's room is too hot/too cold, which breast you last fed on  or if it's too soon to introduce another vegetable to the weaning chart. Or you're just fantasising about falling asleep on that gorgeously soft sofa in the doctor's waiting room.

4. You substitute the odd word here and there for something totally random

Recent examples: "We've got nappy bags for dinner," "You ok to switch the onion on?" and "Is that the pram alarm I can hear?"

5. You care less about what people think (and also care more at the same time)

I couldn't give two hoots if someone notices the dried sick on my shoulder, but heaven forbid someone comments on my parenting choices.

6. You start telling it like it is

Who's got time for skirting around the subject? Life's too short for all that nonsense (says the person who'd bend over backwards not to cause any confrontation only a few months ago.)

7. You talk about babies all the time. Literally, 24/7.

I honestly had no idea how many hours you could while away, discussing babies' sleep patterns (or lack thereof) and the perils of breastfeeding. I'm beginning to wonder if I can hold a conversation about anything other than babies any more.

8. You sing. A lot.

...And most of the time it's absolute gibberish. In our house we now sing as the nappy's being changed, we sing on the way to the bath, we sing in the bath and we sing (very loudly over the screaming) on our way out of the bath and during the drying/dressing process. God knows what the neighbours think (but I stopped caring a long time ago - see point 5).

9. Your wardrobe becomes full of garments made of static-inducing fabrics, to avoid having to do any ironing

I can't imagine ever having the time to iron a cotton t-shirt, let alone battle with those ridiculously expensive linen trousers.

10. You talk to people using the third person, via your baby

"We had a lovely time at the park, didn't we?", "We're late because someone had a nappy explosion, didn't they?" (all said several octaves higher than your usual speaking voice). Cringe.

Right, we need to feed (!), so until next time...

Josie x