I thought I'd ease myself back in gently with a look back over the birth, and share with you my thoughts and opinions on birth plans.
From the minute I fell pregnant, I was determined to try and not be influenced by the reams and reams of information online and in print about what's 'right' when it comes to the birth. Don't get me wrong, I went to antenatal classes and read my fair share of books, but I wanted to draw my own conclusions and not feel pressurised into behaving a certain way when it all kicked off. Easier said than done.
Are you going to have pain relief? Are you having a home birth? What about hypnobirthing? As the impending due date drew closer, I suddenly felt immense pressure from everyone and no-one in particular to shun any kind of intervention and turn the whole thing into an 'experience'; something to be enjoyed and savoured. As someone who cares about healthy living and who had taken particular care of themselves through pregnancy, it seemed like this is what I should be doing. This is what would be best for my baby.
So, as a result, I sat down with my midwife at my birth plan appointment and stoically claimed I would be rejecting all pain relief.
But, as a first-time mum, how could I possibly know what my birth was going to be like? I thought I had a high pain tolerance but, equally, I'd never gone through anything like childbirth before, so how did I know how I would react? Not particularly well, as it turns out!
My contractions started on a Wednesday evening in January. Throughout that night they progressed rapidly, and were soon three minutes apart. My husband and I got out of bed and had the bags by the door. And then, everything stopped. My contractions started slowing down, to the point where they were 10 minutes apart, then 20, then 30! I guess adrenaline had kicked in and interfered with the oxytocin (see - I did listen in the antenatal classes!)
All through Thursday and Friday I battled on with, on average, contractions every 10 minutes. A trip to the hospital revealed I was 1cm dilated (a low point, tbh, as I could imagine being in labour for the next couple of weeks at this rate!).
By Friday evening, I'd made the decision to be induced; something I had categorically said I wouldn't do, as it would most definitely result in having to use pain relief. However, by this point I hadn't slept a wink for two nights and was exhausted. I couldn't risk the labour tipping into another day, as I just didn't think I'd have the energy to cope with that.
So, at about midnight, I was wired up (again, something I didn't want, as it meant I couldn't move freely around the room anymore). But, by this point, I honestly didn't care. I just wanted to get this baby out safely, and as quickly as possible.
As the drugs started to work, the contractions reached a whole new level. I tried gas and air, but really didn't like the drunk feeling it gave. I wanted to feel in control, and I didn't on gas and air.
Feeling drained from the exceptionally long labour, I suddenly had an overwhelming urge to take the pain away so I could focus on the task in hand. I reached a point and I didn't think I could carry on. I guess my pain tolerance isn't as high as I thought. And that's ABSOLUTELY FINE. All this pressure I had put on myself to go pain-free suddenly felt so silly and irrelevant. At that moment in time I needed pain relief to continue, it's as simple as that. There is no shame in accepting what's on offer. It's what's right for you at that moment, not what felt right in the comfy doctor's surgery three weeks previously.
I chose to have an epidural. I had read a lot about epidurals, and made an educated assessment that it was what I wanted to do. My advice to anyone not considering pain relief would be to still read about and fully understand all your options, in case your plan changes, like mine did.
I had my epidural at about 2am. It took longer than usual to work on one side of my body, for some reason, so I was advised to shift positions to allow it to move through my body. As a result, the epidural peaked just as I was fully dilated. I don't think this is usually the case, as it is good to be able to have some feeling as you are pushing.
As things had progressed so quickly, the midwife actually suggested I rest for an hour to prepare myself for the final push. This is something that most definitely was not in my birth plan! A little sleep once I was fully dilated?! I didn't even know that was possible!
So, that's what happened - my husband and I dozed for an hour and were then woken up to have the baby!
Despite not being able to feel a thing (literally, not a single twinge!), I somehow knew what to do. The midwives counted me down to each contraction and, with my renewed energy, I pushed like crazy (something I know I wouldn't have been able to do without my power nap).
And after just 20 minutes, at 4.29am, our beautiful baby girl was born.
My memories from those moments are so clear. I was actually enjoying pushing and think I even cracked a couple of jokes. I remember everything; my husband's tears, my daughter being lifted onto my chest, stroking her hair for the very first time.
Those final moments were a far cry from the images I've seen on TV, of animalistic women, screaming and hallucinating as their babies are born. Please don't judge me for saying that; I honestly have so much respect for anyone who does it pain-free. But, for me, an epidural was the best decision I could have possibly made. It allowed me to savour every moment of that unique experience and take in every little detail. It wasn't on the plan but I wouldn't change a thing. My advice? Make a plan but don't be scared to change it if you feel it's right at that moment in time; you know you better than anyone.
Josie x
